By PAULINE KETETHYA

I have long thick strands of hair around my nipple. One day, I combed them, plaited a matuta and then put a bead.

I don’t know if it’s normal to grow hair on the breast. I haven’t googled it yet, because I’m afraid of the results. It might be a sign of early menopause, stage three of breast cancer, or a result of a long dry spell.

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Last week, a reader who was impressed by my recent post ‘The Husband Snatcher’ said I had an amazing personality and wanted to know more about me.

My mind froze and I couldn’t remember who I was. So, I decided to write this piece, so that my readers could have an idea of who or what I am.

I’m an introvert. An over thinker. A loner. I talk to myself a lot and I get anxious most times.

Many people think I’m quiet, but I’m loud, especially when I’m around people I’m comfortable with.

I think guys should have periods and give birth at least once in their lifetime, so they can know how it feels like to be a woman.

I can kill for bananas.

My left boob burnt when I was a kid. A candle from the bedside fell on it when I was asleep. I guess when I’ll be breastfeeding my baby, if I’m not barren, I’ll be like “ooh yeee offspring, I offer you this burnt offering, may it give you satisfaction.”

I love strong dark men. I’d say just like my coffee, but I stopped taking coffee, after my friend and I ‘realized’ that it made our boobs shrink. My boobs are bigger than your head, and I didn’t want them to sag until they reached my knees. People would be cursing like, ‘may your days be longer than Pauline’s breast.

I’d love to have balls and a dick someday. And get to know how it feels like to have something dangling between my legs.

And because I love my company so much, sometimes, I cancel dates just to read a book, watch a movie or sleep. Just kidding. No one asks me out. The last time I went on date was in 2013 and at some point, I fell asleep.

Someone special called me butterfly. The name stuck, and because I’m a great person. I added Great and hence The Great Butterfly.

I don’t understand how people get to have so many lovers. I barely get any ‘HI’s or morning texts.

I got tired of waiting for love after they lied that it would find me. It’s been ages. I mean, has no man found me worthy in his eyes? Surely, this has to be a joke. A big one.

I believe in people. Their potential and their dreams.

I hate dirty people, people with bad breath, body odor and those who snore. I can’t stand them.

I love guys who have a sense of direction. Take charge when need be. Guys who are honest, know what they want and make sane decisions.

A lady who doesn’t wear a panty liner is a disgrace to the women and should be punished by the Women Federation of safety and hygiene.

Life is excruciating itself, and it’s unfair that we get painful cramps and periods. Haven’t we been through enough already? Lord, please remove this cup of suffering from us.

Bata Ngoma rubber shoes are my favorite.

I am a deep dark person who’s always in touch with her emotions and feelings.

I don’t understand people who say wozzap instead of WhatsApp. I doubt if I can be friends with such people.

I am a perfectionist. A clean freak. A planner. Orderly. Very.

People underestimate super glue so much. It’s one of the things that has helped me get through life.

I have a phobia for roads. Crossing roads is quite Frantic. I hope someday I’ll be able to drive. Like Cynthia, I fear that my height won’t allow me to see past my windshield, and that will force me to stand up while driving.

I have been overweight for like the rest of my life. I also wear oversized glasses. When I drop something on the floor, I have to wear glasses to find it.

I love singing and dancing. I hope I’ll be a producer someday.

I love meaningful conversations, relationships and friendships.

I’m afraid that I’ll marry someone who will turn out to be my brother.

When I grow up, I’ll have a foundation for needy children that’ll help them get education.

Some people say I have an unapproachable face. That’s a polite way of saying I’m ugly.

I’m Impatient. Very.

I don’t know how to ride a bicycle or swim.

Is it possible that my future partner could be a woman? I’m strictly into men, but…

I’d be rich, if I decided to sell drugs or be a striper, but it’s never too late. Right?

I don’t trust safe days. Never will.

I have a taste for the fine things in life, but I can’t afford 90% of them.

I uninstalled tinder because I got tired of swiping left or am I just lazy?

Before I learnt to pronounce my second name, I was taken to a boarding school. This deprived me of affection, love, care and I guess that’s the reason I’m always craving for someone to cook for me, take care of me and to wash me once or twice a month.

I love crazy people, the misfits and the weirdos.

I love people with a great sense of humor. Boring people disgust me.

I once liked a guy who had just as bad poor eyesight as me. In fact, poorer. We parted ways because we couldn’t see where we were going. Literally.

I always pray that men with small dicks don’t get low self-esteem. Small dicks matter too.

I don’t trust people who use short forms in their texts. I mean, what else are they hiding?

Dirty people should be given a straight ticket to hell, these include those who hate taking showers.

People who drag their feet should be held responsible for soil erosion.

I hate people who think they are important than others.

I forget people’s name as soon as they introduce themselves to me.

I have the feet of 70 year old who used to walk barefoot.

I hope someday, a man will be able to carry me without him breaking his legs or hands. He will go down in history books.

I grew up in an environment where I was made to believe that I wasn’t good enough in whatever I did, I still struggle with that.

I hate guys who say dry fry when referring to raw sex, it’s disgusting. Repulsive. Sickening.

My younger sisters cook better than me. The other day, the one in high school started nose bleeding and got a migraine when mum told her I don’t know how to cook chapatti.

To be continued…

This originally appeared in Pauline Katethy’s blog, as The Great Butterfly
You can read more of her work there.

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